I really liked Dan. I mean, he was probably the funniest guy that I have dated in the past year. I also would never go out with him again, let alone talk to him again. The problem is, he wasn’t really funny in an outright humorous way, more so a ha-ha strange than a ha-ha funny. You see, Dan was the most bitter, hostile and angry man I have ever met. There is a serious chip on his shoulder. Maybe a boulder. At first I thought it was an act, sort of in the way that Janene Garofolo has that angry cynical thing going on. But it wasn’t an act. From the moment I walked through the door to the Green Room, to the moment he left me at the subway, our conversation was just one long rant about exactly how much he hates this messed up world and the moronic denizens of our society.
We met online, through a mutual extreme dislike for bad grammar. One Sunday night, a random and sudden MSN chat about how terrible Sunday nights are at home alone led to an impromptu meeting. He seemed like a pretty interesting guy. He had just returned from establishing some kind of IT infrastructure in Mongolia. I never knew they needed IT in Mongolia. Apparently, neither did the Mongolians, making our bitter protagonist just a little more bitter. Apparently, this also means that there is little else to do in Mongolia than drink overproofed vodka. This does not shock me.
So we meet on an early Sunday evening in a café in a back alley. If I didn’t know any better, I would think this has all the makings of some kind of strange and twisted Black Comedy. And lo and behold, it was not far off. Close to the door he sits, chain smoking and pint half empty. He has been there 10 minutes. He mutters an apology as he cannot be within 10 feet of beer or within 30 seconds of negativity without a drink in hand. I find this honesty somewhat charming. After all, he’s very cute in a Black Comedy kind of way— Dark hair, dark eyes, black framed glasses, the ubiquitous black trenchcoat. I grab a beer and sit down. I get few words in between rants. And I keep snickering, which he just scowls at. I am to feel his pain, not mock it, which I am not, but he is so bitter and negative it’s truly comical. The highlight story is while we talk about relationship baggage. The last blind date he had, he admits, he had reduced to tears within the first hour. It started with the baggage talk. He then pushed her off a park bench (the reason behind which is still unclear to me), causing a seizure. He left her there crying because she proceeded to berate him not only for being insensitive to her issues with her ex (why do people discuss exes on the first date anyways?) but also for pushing her off a park bench and causing a seizure (understandably, I would think). Charming.
After three hours of hearing about why people suck, bars suck, non-smokers suck, non-drinkers suck, the café we were in sucked and pretty much everything else sucked (in a nutshell—I mean, you get the picture), we parted ways. In the rain. The weather sucked.
I saw his online profile again a few weeks later. His original list of 10 random things about him had turned into the following, the most brilliant and truly witty thing uttered by him:
10 reasons why this doesn’t work for me:
1. I’ve started judging people by the horrible interior decorating displayed in the backgrounds of their pictures. You might think pastels look nice, but deep down you know they suck.
2. Too many people here clearly cannot spell, or have invented their own form of grammar. Word to the wise – if the comma confuses you, avoid the semicolon completely. Please.
3. I’ve become strangely fixated on people who write about their love of both laughter and fun. Bingo. Who the hell doesn’t like laughter or fun?
4. Endless correspondence. If you could have a pen pal from anywhere in the world, would you honestly choose your home town? Get out, meet people. If you’re somewhat worried about your personal safety, have your parents drive you.
5. Shopping lists. Originally designed for fruits and vegetables, but now apparently relevant to finding a “soul mate”. Ugh.
6. People referring to themselves as “intelligent” or “easygoing”. I’m now completely clear on how subjective and interpretive these two terms really are.
7. Yes, it’s almost a god-given right to be boring. Much love to those who’ve been practicing.
8. Baggage. Apparently there was a big sale somewhere and I missed it.
9. I used to think that a bar wasn’t the optimal place to meet that special someone. I take it back.
10. Answering the same questions over and over. Welcome to the online version of Groundhog Day.
Bingo.
{ 1 trackback }
{ 0 comments… add one now }